Years ago I did the Myers-Briggs test and was so intrigued by the concept of intuition. Finally, I had a label for how I had always lived my life and made my choices. For better or worse, I've let my feelings and intuition guide my life. I love nothing more than "reading" people, and I find nothing more entertaining than watching passionate people debate real issues. I love helping people understand why people or issues are stuck, and getting them moving forward again. And, when confronted by people who hide their feelings and shelve them in hard to access places, I love chinking away at their armour to be able to understand them better, to get a window into their minds. For me, intuition is nothing more than the power of observation on steroids.
But, my love affair with intituion is also why, from the first minutes when the dental hygienist and assistants were dancing around my mouth measuring my little friend, my soon to be diagnosed tongue carcinoma, I quickly jumped to the cancer conclusion. Not from any lack of professionalism on their part, but their concern pushed my intuitive lizard brain into full alert. Once I did my internet sleuthing, well, that bad feeling I had in the dental office grew roots.
It's a hard slog in our pithy positive world to be honest and say that you have a bad feeling. People think it means that you think you are going to die. They chime in wanting you to be positive. To think positive. To broadcast your sunny outlook to the world. And, funny enough, when my co-worker was recently diagnosed with a different type of cancer, I was ALL ABOUT the positivity. We need to say something, to do something because we care and we feel like we have nothing real to offer.
But, being positive doesn't change reality. It doesn't change the cancer cells that continue to grow and multiply. It doesn't change the reality that over this past year of my life, this most shittiest of years, I have felt like absolute crap. And berated myself for my weakness, my fatigue. It doesn't change those microscopic little cells that may or may not have floated their way to my lymph nodes and could be the changes that the CT scan found in two of them.
Only time, surgery and a biopsy will tell if those are stressed out lymph nodes or cancerous lymph nodes.
The one thing that I do know right now is that it always seems that whatever you expect to happen, is not what happens. Life just doesn't seem to work that way. It doesn't mean that it won't all work out in the end, or that the slog through won't be worth it.
But, for me, at least, it means that I'll spend my time LIVING today and I'll think about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Oh, and, next time that little voice tells me to go and see the naturpath, I think I'll go!