In my quest to put my little Humpty Dumpty life back together, I've been on an internal voyage in some damned choppy water. I have to be honest, it's been challenging, interesting, demanding and far less than fun. What's worse than having a life that looks like a shipwreck? How about diving below the water to pick away at the pieces of the shipwreck, only to find all these clues keeping pointing right back at you?
I've been working the little system I have in place to try and rebalance my life so that I can find joy where there was stress, and peace where there was confusion and anger. And, most importantly, trying to find a way to have the energy coming in be MORE or at least EQUAL to the energy going out. As much as I would have loved a reason for why things are as they are, or better yet, for there to be a magic potion, there doesn't seem to be one. And, so, if nothing changes if nothing changes, then I guess it's high time to change something.
Almost every week, I've been seeing a psychologist and while my time with her has been filled with all of the self-help catch words that pepper our social media feeds and seem trite for the sarcastic and witty among us, it's a lot harder to brush away and ignore when the seemingly trite words need to be accompanied by some tangible action on my part. Some change. Take words like self-compassion. Blech, I can't write those words without squaring my shoulders. I immediately snort, and think about how I should just be able to put my shoulder to any challenge. Self-compassion just sounds like granola crunching BS. Or how about that damned oxygen mask metaphor? Sure, sure, I think to myself.... that's fine for someone else, but not for me.
So then, the tiresome psychologist probes, why would it be good for someone else, and not for me? Just like a fish on a line, I dangle there... caught between my brain that recognizes the stupidity of my thoughts and my heart that tells me that I need to perform. I need to be 'all that'. Smart, kind, hard-working, passionate. A good mother, there when things get tough. A loyal wife. A great friend.
Defined only by what others see in me.
Oh wait a second. That seems less than healthy... and not what I would want for my girls. So why should I settle for it? Is it because, rather than feeling like a valuable person in my own right, I feel like I am valuable when I am an asset to someone else's? Is it because rather than just feeling a bit guilty when I can't or don't help someone, I feel unworthy? I feel shame, that 'soul-eating emotion', as Carl Jung put it. Oh dear Lord, that just seems so...unhealthy... and, just maybe, true.
You would think that this realization would be freeing... I've been on the edges of it for such a long time and the movie version of this story would have the cloudy skies open up to a beautiful sun over a quiet and peaceful ocean. But the opposite is true. It's heartbreaking, and it tugs deep into my soul and plunges me down into the darkest and deepest waters. But I trust that this plunge will be worth it... and that the life rebuilt will be better... more sustainable...more...me.