I'm sick. And, I'm angry - angry all the time. Why? Other than the obvious, because I feel so stupidly guilty for not doing everything that I am supposed to do. We are told as woman that we have it ALL. What is it that we have? We have jobs that are equal to our husbands, but our jobs don't end at 5pm. We go home and 'run' our houses - kids, appointments, furnace repairs, we juggle it all. And, our husbands, well, they are getting lost in the world of the Supermom. They help out in the second shift, but they can't measure themselves by the yardsticks used by their Dads. And, they aren't their Moms so what is their role in this new world order?? How many men do you know that seem a bit lost - more than we would probably care to admit.
Then back to us, us warrior woman, caught up in our daily juggling act, supporting and goading each other into more and more. If we pull back at home, we feel guilty. If we pull back at work, we feel guilty. When our bodies fail us, we feel guilty. And, so we keep juggling, and juggling, and juggling. And, then a ball drops, and we rush to the closet to sweep up the shattered glass and throw another ball up. All the while quoting positive and self-empowering words to each other to get us through to the next day.
Even before THE diagnosis, I tried to read Sheryl Sandberg's book, "Lean In" and it pissed me off. Angered me to the core, because we are so busy wanting to be just like the boys, and as good as the boys, that we forget sometimes that we aren't boys. And, if we weren't so busily competing for success, we'd realize that the world is getting seriously out of whack. Instead of busily looking to others to see how well we are doing or running on our own personal treadmill to keep our place in it, we could stop, stand, breathe and think.
Do what's right for us, and what is right for our families will naturally follow.
It took a cancer diagnosis and a week in Toronto feeling like crap while pretending to be 'fine' for me to decide that, for me, with balls falling all around, it's enough.